An actual update

It’s not usually a struggle for me, deciding what to talk about here. It’s a knitting blog, and I’m always (always) knitting, so… there ya go.

But there’s something in the room, now. Or rather, not in the room, and it’s getting in the way of my Rhinebeck post. I went. I had fun with new friends and old.

I bought yarn. A lot of yarn. Did I need a lot of yarn? Well, no, not really. Had I budgeted for a lot of yarn? You bet. And it was all lovely, every last yard.

(It will all be up on Ravelry over the next few days, if you’re curious.) And I made immense progress on the Tangled Yoke, and I finished Waterlily, and I have a gorgeous sock on the needles. But I can’t just post a chipper “oh my god it was so fun and I can’t wait for next year and I saw these 8 million people and here are some links to their blogs” post. I just can’t. It would be false. So instead, here’s an actual honest-to-goodness update on my life.

The day I left for Rhinebeck, I had a miscarriage. I was somewhere between 9 and 11 weeks pregnant, the dates are unclear. The week before, I’d seen a happy wiggling little proto-kid, steady heartbeat and all.

I’m really glad I went to Rhinebeck. It was really fun, I can’t wait for next year, and I did meet and spend time with some fabulous people. I’m excited about the knitting I’m doing right now, and excited about what I’m going to knit next, but I would feel like an ass if I just launched into all of that without a word. I have to be honest in this space, even if I’m usually pretty narrow in scope. So. There you have it. If I was oblivious to you at the festival, if I seemed sad or unfriendly, it wasn’t anything you did. It’s just where I was, this weekend.

Quite aside from me needing some time away from Monterey and the problems associated with it, Rhinebeck was the perfect place for me to go. There was something very healing and satisfying about spending an entire weekend devoted to a very creative endeavor that I also fully and completely control. If a sweater is not perfect, I can rip it out and re-do. I can very carefully choose exactly the right yarn, exactly the right buttons, exactly the right pattern. I can obsess over every stitch, fix mistakes as often as necessary, and wind up with a perfect object that will last a hundred years. So very, very unlike parenting. I craved the predictability, the control.

I’m absolutely going back, and I hope to see you there (and here) lots more in the future.

46 thoughts on “An actual update

  1. Amy, I am so sad this has happened to you. I think it is incredibly brave and shows great depth of character that you were able to sally forth at Rhinebeck and have a positive experience. My thoughts and hugs go out to you!

  2. I’m so sorry to hear that, but I’m glad you found a place away from that. Sometimes that’s all you really need… to just not be THERE. I hope you’re feeling better now.

  3. I’m so very sorry. It must have been a heavy burden you carried despite all the fun and fiber. It reminds me that you never know what sorrow someone bears, no matter when or where.

    Take care and heal.

  4. Oh how terribly sad, I’m so sorry. I wish we were still in the same room, so I could give you a hug. That being said, I’m so glad I had a chance to meet and talk to you this weekend. It was a pleasure.

  5. Ah, Amy, I’m so sorry. What a terribly, terribly sad thing. Sending you hugs & comfort.

  6. oh amy, i’m so sorry, that’s devastating news. take care of yourself.

  7. wow- I am so sorry to hear that. I’m keeping you in my thoughts.

  8. Oh, Amy, I am so sorry. I’m sure these words on your screen don’t help ease your pain, but please know that I am thinking about you and wishing you and your family the best.

  9. how terrible! I didn’t realize that it had just happened ….. ~hugs~

  10. My sincere sympathies.

  11. Oh, that’s heartbreaking. I hope you’re feeling better now – HUGS!!!

  12. I’m very sorry to hear it – but I think it’s great you went and had fun anyway. Good vibes coming your way….

  13. I’m so sorry, Amy. I agree with what Cheryl said and send a big hug. I am glad that you decided to go, although it must have been hard.

  14. I’m never really sure of what to say in situations like these. I’m so very sorry for your loss, and I truly hope that things get better soon. It is good to “see” you back-and-blogging.

  15. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I’m glad that you were able to find something healing to help you through those first few difficult days. It’s really quite amazing the power that two sticks and some string can have.

  16. Oh, Amy, I’m so sorry to hear this. Thinking about you guys…

  17. I’m so, so sorry. It was really wonderful to meet you and spend some time with you – thanks for being so generous of yourself even when you were suffering such sadness.

    P.S. I really love the photo of Marlena petting the sheep.

  18. That is incredible sad. I’m so, so sorry for you guys. Sending warm thoughts and hugs your way!

  19. Oh Amy… I am so very sorry for your loss.

  20. I’m so sorry Amy. I’m sending healing thoughts to you all the way from Finland. I’m glad you could go to Rhinebeck anyway and focus on something else, at least for a short while. Big hug!

  21. Long time reader, i think first time writer. Hey let me join in the others to say how SORRY i am. My sister is trying to have a kid and she has miscarriaged 3 times so far. They can’t figure out why, so bless her heart she just keeps trying. It breaks our hearts a little each time.
    But I am glad that you went and had a good time!! Life must go on! There is always next time! Any other cliches?? Take care of yourself.

  22. So sorry….but, it sounds like Rhinebeck was a nice distraction and time away. Glad you could put your attention to something else.

    (look at all that yarn!!!!)

  23. Oh Amy! I felt so bad asking you about stuff on Saturday night. And then I felt even more guilty for complaining about my own situation.

    I’m glad you got to get away and I hope coming home has been healing as well. I’m very sorry for your loss.

  24. I’m so very sorry. It looks like Rhinebeck was a good trip for you though.

  25. Oh, Amy. I am so sorry. I admire your strength and ability to still go to Rhinebeck and enjoy it. I am glad all the fiber and friends there gave you some comfort.
    I hope things are going to get better for you soon.

  26. i’m so sorry for your loss. you seem to be a very strong woman to be handling it so well.

  27. Like everyone else has said, I’m very sorry to hear about your loss. It’s truly wonderful and amazing that you were able to go to Rhinebeck and soak in all the wonderful vibes from fellow knitters. Hopefully it helped ease a little bit of the pain and loss that I’m sure you were feeling at the time.

  28. I am just sending all my well wishes to you. I know what you are going through (well I know how i coped once, not exactly how you are coping of course) but Rhinebeck sounded just so right for you. Hugs, hugs, hugs. xxx

  29. Sending prayers your way. I’m so glad you got to see him on the sonogram. I’m also glad you had a good time at Rhinebeck.

  30. I am so very sorry! Please know I’m thinking of you.

  31. Oh, honey, I’m so sorry! My heart hurts for you. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

  32. I am so very sorry. Glad you were able to find some peace in Rhinebeck.

  33. I just wanted to come out and say I’m so sorry for your loss, and thank you for sharing your news with us. I’m glad you were able to have a nice trip to Rhinebeck.

  34. Amy, I’m so sorry for your loss. That is devastating. I’m glad you were able to enjoy yourself at Rhinebeck and see the positives in going. Best wishes to you and your family.

  35. Hi Amy,
    I had a miscarriage last May right before MD S and W and I know that going to that was a needed distraction and provided me with comfort. I am sorry you had the same experience.

  36. I’m so very sad and sorry to hear this. Its just devastating when this happens. I’m sending good vibes and wishes your way.

  37. oh amy i am so very sorry. *hug* i wish i could do more than send warm thoughts your way.

  38. Sending warm thoughts and hugs your way.

  39. I’m so sad for you! I wish there was more I could say to help… my thoughts are with you. I’m glad you were able to go, and that you bought a lot of yarn this weekend. I hope it helped a little.

  40. Oh. Goodness. My heart.

    I wish I had known…I would have given you the “biggest hug ever from a stranger”.

  41. Amy, I’m so sorry. I’m glad you could get away, and that our craft allows this distraction, but it must be really hard. A big cyber hug from me.

  42. I can’t even imagine how tough that must have been for you. I’m so sorry for your loss. That sounds so blah, but I truely mean it. I wish I’d seen you last weekend, I would have given you a hug, even though I didn’t know then!

  43. I am so sorry that you and your family had to go through this. Thinking of you.

  44. Oh Amy. I never know what to say… I’m so sorry for your loss, and I know that’s not much of a comfort, but I’m thinking of you and yours. *hugs*

  45. Thinking of you, Amy, and hope you’re doing OK.

  46. (((((a big and tight and long hug!!!)))))

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